Omega

I had pieces of a philosophical discussion today with a coworker in between trips running food out to tables.

Gratuitous stock photo approximation of my countenance at work.

My coworker, a fellow atheist, was talking to another fellow atheist at work (am I lucky or what?) about how research suggests that Christians disdain atheists because we remind them of their own mortality. Upon hearing this, my query was "Don't most religions' reasons for existence center around the idea of death?" to which he replied, "Ah, but they have 'eternal life' to look forward to afterwards." Fair enough, I thought. 

As I ran a table's food out, another thought entered my mind. If Christians have eternal life to look forward to why is their mortality, for them, something to fear? I pointed this out to my coworker, and he remarked that it's the thought of the utter cessation of existence that truly strikes fear in the hearts of people of faith. I suppose we may remind them that this is a possibility. 

However, I am still not quite satisfied with this answer. If a person of faith so enmeshed in their own beliefs truly thinks that they have a special place reserved for them in heaven, why would the thought of the utter cessation of existence bother them? To (attempt to) answer this question, I will delve into the research mentioned previously. 

The research abstract states that for the first experiment from which their conclusions were drawn, people of faith who were given "subtle reminders of death" increased social distancing and distrust of atheists. In the second experiment, it was apparent that asking people of faith to think about atheism increased their ability to access what were called "implicit death thoughts." 

Perhaps for people of faith, even reminders of death (without any explicit overtones of a complete cessation of existence accompanying these reminders) cause them to acknowledge in their minds possibilities which aren't "in line" with their beliefs, creating uncomfortable cognitive dissonance. The easiest way to relieve this dissonance is to "jump back" to the original belief, and by extension reject those who hold the conflicting belief. 

I have actually seen this among groups of Christians as well. An old pastor at the church I used to attend before my de-conversion proposed in one sermon a theory of his that hell was actually the complete annihilation of one's soul. Not only did many members reject this theory, but the church elders fired him.   

Alternate States of Empathy

During my usual musings today, a question came into my head: why are some delusional people diagnosed with schizophrenia, while others go to Sunday service?

This is not to say that people of faith are inherently delusional. I think that faith can coexist with rational thought in some instances. However, when one embraces certain fundamental tenets of a religion (like the biblical law for consequences of the act of rape) as divinely inspired and correct, I think that it is perfectly fair to assert that the individual who holds those tenets to be truth is delusional.

But what causes these delusions? What is the difference between a person who asserts that unicorns are following them in order to steal their blood--a person locked up in a mental ward--and a person who asserts that the entirety of the bible (or any religious text) is divinely inspired, complete and utter truth? A person with an otherwise normal life?

Earlier today I did some research on a molecule called dimethyltryptamine (DHT). Research on the compound's relationship with schizophrenia is fairly shaky--some research suggests that DHT, along with (S)-ketamine, produces positive (for the former) and negative (for the latter) symptoms of schizophrenia in otherwise healthy subjects. Positive symptoms include illogical/disorganized thinking, while negative symptoms include behaviors such as catatonia. Other research suggests that DHT has no such effect--however, the subjects utilized in this particular study were experienced drug users.

Experimental research aside, DHT is extremely interesting on its own. We humans produce it in our brains naturally, and it's been implicated in a wide variety of theories, from evolution (we need a little paranoia about things in the dark) to alien abduction. According to the research cited previously, too much DHT can be a bad thing--additionally, further research suggests that DHT may be mediated by oxytocin, a neurotransmitter/hormone which has been implicated in the concepts of morality and trust, among many other things.

Perhaps, then, the difference between delusionally religious individuals and individuals with schizophrenia may be that those with schizophrenia have an overabundance of both DHT and (S)-ketamine, and an under-abundance of oxytocin, while the former simply have too much DHT and too little oxytocin. Interestingly enough, DHT is said to produce transient hallucinations and feelings of being in the presence of divinity. Perhaps for the religious, this is a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy: the individual comes into the "house of the Lord" and more DHT is released, giving that individual the feeling of being in the presence of the divine. Perhaps the release of DHT impedes the reception of oxytocin, rather than it being the other way around, and messages which would otherwise be morally reprehensible in any other state become perfectly acceptable because the individual lacks their normative capacity for empathy in that state. This, however, is pure speculation on my part.

Marduk

I had a very interesting, unexpected conversation with a resident today.

I love skulls and anything Dia De Los Muertos-related, so today at work I was wearing a hair clip with flowers and a skull in the middle. A resident walked up to me and told me that she thought it looked really cool (mind you, the nursing home in which I work is a Lutheran-based establishment) and I was surprised.

I told her this, and I explained that I love Dio De Los Muertos. She did too, and she mentioned that many cultures have similar celebrations. I mentioned the similarities between Pandora's Box and The Garden of Eden, and she said that she was curious as to what the central story from which all of these stories stemmed was.

After some light research, I found that before the stories of Adam and Eve and Pandora (the latter coming about a century after the former) there was the Babylonian tale of Marduk creating the earth from the spoils of a battle between gods. In this story, when the world began there existed only the god of fresh water, the god of oceans, and the god of the mists. The earth did not yet exist. Sound familiar?

 From these gods came many other gods, and the original gods became tired of the noise caused by the many other gods--one plotted to kill them all. One of the original god's descendants Ea learned of this plot and slew the murderous original, and fathered a beast with four eyes and four ears named Marduk. Marduk then created the earth from the remains of other gods after a glorious battle, and created humans from the clay of the earth.

It seems apparent that few (though certainly not all) elements in the biblical creation story were borrowed from Babylonian mythology. I have to say, the Babylonians seemed way more metal.

I Just Can't

I helped a resident get to an activity today. It was called "Knowledge Bowl." She was really excited to go, but she couldn't remember where it was supposed to be or what time it was supposed to start. She was so worried about being late.

As we walked onto the elevator that would take us to third floor, she asked me about a lady that was walking by. "What is her job here?" I told her that the lady in question was the director of housekeeping. "Oh, that's right! I knew that!" She turned to me and said forlornly, "Sorry. I forget things sometimes."

"It's okay! I forget things sometimes too." I said, trying to help her feel better. What she said next sent a pang of grief through my chest. "No it's not. No you don't. It's annoying. But thank you for helping me find the media room."

Now I know that oftentimes people with dementia don't need to be reassured that it's okay. It's not okay for them, and they know it. Maybe what they need most is to be told the truth, that we can remember things well. Maybe they need to know that we will help their memory as much as we possibly can, even when they are no longer with us.

Eureka!

Disillusionment is refreshingly bitter,

Clarifying venom for which a taste is

acquired.

One can choose to succumb, or poison
another.

In its wake a sting is felt,

Symbiosis--

Bond unbreakable formed,

Innocence scorned,

Sacrificed for true vision.

This fission

Of the mind

Begins a chain reaction

Leaving nothing behind.

Meta-Cognition For The Win

While scrolling through my Facebook news feed, I stumbled upon this post.

My first question here is, why would God not accept someone who is generally a good person and does many good deeds? Second, why is Satan telling these people to be good? Damn that Satan and his humanist ideals.

All joking aside, I think attitudes like these from people of faith speak to a much larger problem. Two problems, actually. Firstly, I think these attitudes diminish the feelings of self-worth that people experience by doing good things for themselves and for others. "Your greatness is not your own, all that is good which comes from you actually comes from God working through you." I find this ironic especially when Christians (and other people of faith) claim that atheists/humanists have nothing to live for. We are living for the here and now and the near future, and we experience the beauty of the earth, the universe, and new ideas. We know who we are and we find worth within ourselves. Conversely, many people of faith are living for death and the fear of what happens should they stray from the "godly path." And as this scripture asserts, they find worth within their god.

Pardon the French here. 

On the flip side, this attitude brings with it the idea that people of faith are not inherently responsible for their actions, good or bad--and the bad ones can be attributed to the devil. I have heard time and time again people blaming the devil for everything from drug addictions to temptations of "sexual immorality." The thing is, when you start to acknowledge that your actions are your responsibility, and that you have power over them, it's easier to change them if need be. When you actually take the time to think about your thoughts (a process called meta-cognition), it becomes easier to change the way you think, behave, and go about things. But when you have a thought/impulse and attribute it to the devil, you are absolving yourself of any responsibility possibly before you have even acted on it. 

On Her Terms, Not Yours

I never liked Kesha's music--I always found it shallow and repetitive. Now, however, I think that there is a deeper reason for this.

I think that her producer Dr. Luke portrayed Kesha as a "party girl" because that is how he sees women--as objects that can be drugged, used, and later blamed. I have no evidence for what went on in this producer's mind save for bits and pieces of information floating around the internet, but this is what my intuition tells me. 

As a rape survivor, I know that I am extremely biased about this situation from the outset, so I want to address some points made on either side of this story.

From what I can see, the biggest piece of evidence from Dr. Luke and his lawyers against the accusations is a deposition in which Kesha denied any sexual conduct with Dr. Luke and denied having been given any date rape drugs. When asked if she had called her mother after waking up in the producer's bed unable to remember what had happened, Kesha replied that she "did not remember." This deposition, according to The New York Times, was only partially unsealed. 

My question here is, if you know that you stated something like this before, and that this might be brought up and used against you if you accuse the person again, why bother accusing them? Why go through all that work? It could be because it's the truth. In my opinion, this evidence actually makes Kesha's case stronger. Not to mention that Dr. Luke had power over her career and by extension her finances and ability to provide for herself, and he could likely have used this power to intimidate Kesha into silence. 

Anther piece of evidence is that Kesha referred to Dr. Luke in e-mails as "the foxxiest producer ever." I used to refer to my ex-boyfriend as "sexy"--but that does not change the fact that he forced me, against my will and without my consent, to have sex. 

And at this point, Kesha isn't even charging Dr. Luke for rape. She just wants to be able to record outside of a contract in which Dr. Luke is present as the producer.

 In the end, I can't know for certain what exactly happened. But in my opinion, you can't fake the emotional and mental aftermath from being a victim of sexual assault.  

Brain Trees

One of my students today complained of his brain hurting due to the fact that I had assigned the class a small research paper assignment. I told him that this was a good thing, because that meant that his brain was releasing neurotrophic growth factor (NGF) and that neurons in his brain were forming new connections and branching out, like brain trees. 

My class then made a good point--if they were to be researching what happened during the Holocaust and the Civil Rights Movement, shouldn't I be as well? Of course I had done a good amount of prep work, but I figured 1. It wouldn't hurt (at least not too much) to learn more--I feel like many teachers feel as if they need to portray a facade of all-knowingness, and I don't like that. 2. Doing research alongside my students would set a good example for them. Some of the teachers in the night school program (at least according to my students) sit on their phones during class. To me, that is just appalling. 

Since this research would eventually be used for a compare/contrast paper, I looked up several pieces of information about the two topics and tied some together. I found out some pretty interesting things, many of which I had not previously known.

According to the Nuremberg Laws established during the rise of The Third Reich, someone would be considered "Jewish" (and therefore inferior) if three or four of their grandparents were Jewish. In a similar vein (something I had already known) slaves in the United States were only considered 3/5 of a person when a census was to be taken. This "defining one's worth by numbers" seems to be a recurring theme when people with racial bias--or any type of bias--are concerned. 

I feel this theme continues into the present day. We generalize other groups of humans based on statistics. We consider someone to be a "slut" based on how many sexual partners they have had. People are defined on social media by their numbers of friends or followers, and in business by dollar amounts. I love statistics, but oftentimes numbers make one lose sight of exactly who others are, and what experiences they have had. 

When Life Literally Gives You Lemons

Today was one of those stereotypical Mondays. Management at the nursing home forgot to schedule someone to open in the Assisted Living facility, our new cookie-cutter corporate director called me "his Ashley," (I keep my distance as much as possible), and life literally gave me lemons--I opened the fridge in the kitchen at work and a bottle of lemon juice tumbled out, spilling its fresh lemon scent everywhere. But I saw the irony of the situation and laughed it off.

As crazy and frustrating as the day was, I found time for some interesting conversations. Our old director (who is now the executive chef as he was replaced by Mr. Cookie Cutter Creep) and I happened upon a clothing sale going on in the building. At first I thought it was a second time around type clothing deal and I was pumped--after seeing the price tags I realized that I was sadly mistaken. Very. Mistaken.

The executive chef and I talked about how sad it was--most of our residents can't really "get out" to go clothes shopping any more, so companies like the one we bore witness to will sell somewhat nice clothes at unnecessarily high prices. They can line their pockets because of an unfortunate situation that many of the residents find themselves in...corporate greed at its finest.

Around that same time, I found myself in a debate on Facebook. I had posted a Bernie Sanders meme, and a friend of mine had felt compelled to comment on it. She is a staunch opponent of Bernie, and she made that quite clear.

The gist of the conversation was as follows: she did not want her financial freedoms taken away (to which I responded something to the effect of "we already pay taxes, and Bernie wants to focus moreso on the 1%") and she seemed to be of the opinion that she had a better grasp on the situation (rightfully so to a certain extent) because she had taken macro and micro-economics courses. And then she said something interesting--she told me that she hoped I would be able to get rich someday. 

Let me backtrack a little. One of my biggest reasons for supporting Bernie is that fact that he is not funded by super PACs. He does not seem to have a vested interest (as far as I can see) in keeping the rich people rich and continuing to give them breaks, and his trust-buster attitude is reminiscent of Teddy Roosevelt. He does not favor the rich or those in power. 

This person whom I was debating with is a Christian. I would argue that Jesus was probably more of a socialist than Bernie with the "...give all of your possessions to the poor and follow me" way of thinking. Now I want to point this out--I am not using this example to try to portray all Christians as hypocrites, because many of them are not. I am pointing this out to show that what Bernie wants to do economically is probably more in line with Christ's teachings than any other candidate. I am also pointing this out to show that for some people of faith, there can be a disconnect between faith and their true morality. (Which is why I personally feel that people should think through their own moral code rather than have someone else make it for them). 

I told her that I did not want to be rich, because I wanted to be Christlike in the sense that I like some of Christ's teachings (like the one cited in the previous paragraph). I then cited a couple articles comparing the Canadian versus the U.S. economic system, and wrote a bit about how I appreciated Bernie's integrity and sincerity, adding a little picture of Bernie and a quote. That's when things got a bit ugly--she criticized me for posting the picture and then began to say she did not respect my opinion and that she would love to listen to it when I suffered, worked, lived, and succeeded in life. This willingness to attack without truly knowing me (if you've been keeping up with this you know that I work two jobs) and the support of the "rich lifestyle" reminded me of the clothing sale. If someone is going to knowingly manipulate and take away from someone who is less fortunate than they are, they need to give back. 

Mudskippers

I had a great conversation with my parents tonight. They are Christians, and I am a secular humanist. But we have a great deal of respect for each other. My dad actually asked me tonight, 100% sincerely, what secular humanists do instead of praying. We talked about law and diabetes, and I showed my mom a video of a mudskipper during our conversation about evolution (you might be surprised to know that our views on evolution aren't actually all that polarized). I am extremely fortunate to have the relationship with my parents that I do.

Unfortunately, some people aren't so lucky. Some people are so enmeshed in their faith, so controlled by (what I view as) words of men with the facade of a god, that they fail to see other important things--like the feelings of their children, or feelings of others in general. I'm not singling out any one faith here--people of all faiths have the potential to be this way. (Even people who do not subscribe to any faith can be this way, for that matter).

The thing is, as much as people like this may say otherwise, they need to be accountable to someone other than their god--whether that "god" be the Christian God, science, a Hindu god, or The Flying Spaghetti Monster. And if they want to complain about this accountability infringing on their "religious freedom," let it be known to them that they are taking away another's freedom for their own. It's like a slave owner complaining about being enslaved.

If you are the slave in this metaphorical relationship and want help, please check out this site. I wish you all the best and I hope you find your freedom.

Say Cheese!

I was cleaning up the drink station at the nursing home today when it happened. Deep in thought about black holes and chuckling inwardly about how a coworker had mispronounced a resident's name as "Vultron," (there are no strings on her) I was jarred from my musings by two simple but unwelcome words:

"Hey! Smile!"

To which I replied with something akin to a baboon threat display.

Now I understand that when I'm waiting tables and interacting with residents, I need to smile. Normally in these situations, though, I also want to smile. I love my residents (most of the time) and I understand that as a waitress, I need to have a friendly demeanor about myself. 

But this instance was different. There were no residents, no tables, just me and my thoughts. And I was still expected to smile. 

Now I'm not sure of exactly what this man was thinking when he told--told me to smile. I'm not sure if much thought was really involved when he made the comment. Perhaps he just appreciates cheeriness from everybody. 

Or perhaps the comment stems from the idea that women need to be happy and content--and display this happiness--wherever they are, especially when doing what could be considered "housework." The funny thing is, I was pretty content at the moment, until I was told to look content as well. In an abstract of research I found on male versus female differences when considering the smile, researchers state that when men are given a little power over another in a social situation, they smile considerably less than women do in the exact same situation. 

So not only do men expect women to smile more in general when it comes to social situations, but women expect themselves to smile more too--even when they have been given the "upper hand" in a social situation. Perhaps this has something to do with the idea that women are expected to be more accommodating and warm to get ahead--even when they're already ahead. Because for some (of course, not all) males, their dominance in the situation is assumed. 

If You Like to Talk to Tomatoes

The other day I came across this article, 5 Reasons Children Should Be in the Main Service Regularly.

The author details a few reasons why children should be included in "adult" church services from time to time. The first reason the author gives is that children are part of the body of Christ, just like adults. They then go on to say that during the Feast of the Tabernacles all of Israel would come together to hear the law of the Lord, and children would be made to attend so that they would learn to "fear the Lord."

So children whose minds are malleable and generally a bit more easily influenced should be taught to respect and fear a deity who will send them to hell otherwise? That doesn't sound manipulative at all. 

I take issue in particular with the last "reason" given in the article as well: "Children who don’t feel like a part of the church community will leave church when they’re older." The gist of the explanation is that the child will be used to games and candy and when the "culture shock" of adult church services hits, that child will want to leave because it's "not as fun."

I would argue that another factor in the child leaving church (which I obviously have no problem with) might be the fact that in "adult" church, the scripture isn't watered down. In children's church, stories are warped to make them more palatable to children (ever watched Veggietales?)

The thing is, once one really starts reading the Bible, they start to see that maybe they should be questioning the authorities who are pushing the information it contains as "fact." But if churches can sneak in the information and desensitize children to it early on, it's more likely that the child will stay in church and accept that information as truth without question. 

Giant Worms

I have a student in my class who has ADHD. Not the trouble-focusing-but-can-still-do-work-given-time ADHD, but the sort of ADHD where he is at his desk one minute and then the next he is walking to the middle of the room, claiming that there could be a giant worm ready to jump up from the ground and eat him. I literally had to hold a package of gum that he was fiddling with instead of doing his assignment: he refused to let it go and I am not one to rip things out of student's hands, so we both just held onto it. Somehow that helped him do a little more of his assignment, that is until he quipped, "You know how teachers say 'I'm not gonna hold your hand in this class,' well, Miss Athy..." The whole class (including me, admittedly) erupted in laughter.

I will admit it can be very frustrating working with him, and today was no exception. He is a very bright young adult, but he has an enormous amount of trouble doing even part of an assignment, let alone all of it. I did not want to send him to the office, because I knew that he would most likely be suspended for "failure to comply with rules." The thing is, I don't like punishing people for who they are. This is not to say that the student doesn't need to change his behavior. He needs to get his work done. However, he needs help in learning strategies to utilize his behavior and ways of thinking. I feel like the strategy of "send them to the office for a punishment" does a disservice to some of our students who do have trouble focusing, or other non-normative ways of thinking and expressing themselves.

Today, I explained this to him. I told him that I wanted him to do well so he could move up in the world, and I didn't want to resort to sending him to the office because then he would be missing out on class activities. I made him a deal: he had been asking me repeatedly as I was starting class what my favorite type of music was--I had asked him to please be quiet while I was talking. Here were the terms: he could complete his assignment and I would tell him what my favorite music was, or he could continue to not do his work and I would have to, as much as I didn't want to, send him to the office.

The next thing he said hit me hard. He looked at me worriedly and said "But they won't have me do my work there! They'll just get me in trouble! [The assistant principal] hates me!"

He wanted to do his work. He just truly has that much of an issue getting it done.

I told him that if I ended up having to send him out, I would write a note for the assistant principal to make sure he could work on his assignment. Thankfully, I didn't end up needing to send him. He completed his work (with several quips between questions, of course) and as I went to collect his work I said: "As promised--my favorite type of music is heavy metal."

"OH! Miss Athy!! You have to see this video!!"

What have I done?

Joshy Woshy

Normally I don't like giving Joshua Feuerstein attention save for when I'm having a rough day and I need a good chuckle. But I want to point out this post of his specifically.

I find this to be a serious issue for several reasons. Firstly, nearly every article that Joshua has posted features several comments made by him asking his followers to buy his wife's new album. Now I am all for people making and promoting music, and I am all for people following whatever religion they choose to follow, as long as they don't use their beliefs to control other people. What I take issue with here is the blatant manipulation. If you do not accept Jesus as your lord and savior you will burn in hell! If you just "go through the motions" in church you will go to hell! (By the way, please buy my wife's album. Even if your faith wasn't strong enough you'll have some nice godly music to listen to during the apocalypse). I see this as a way to control people of faith who may be questioning their beliefs. When it comes down to it, this is just not a healthy mentality to have.

Ironically, Joshua Feuerstein claims that one "sign" of the end times is the increasing prevalence of people who are "lovers of the self."

Huh. 

Perhaps this means that Joshy here is one of those false prophets we hear about. 

(Or maybe he's just delusional). 

Rubber Soul

It could be said that each of my two classes have distinct collective personalities. My first class is very quiet, reserved, and introspective as a whole, and my second...is not. I tend to pattern the same assignments accordingly for each class. For my first class I have them pair off and read in small groups or alone, and for my second we all form a single group and I lead them in the reading, which makes for some interesting discussions.

While reading Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl, one of my students claimed that the Holocaust was entirely fabricated. This frustrated me a bit, but I attempted to avoid any outright claim that he was completely wrong and took the class through a logical discussion of points on either side of the debate. As often happens with discussions on conspiracy theories, the topic went from the theory to "well, how do we know that anything is real?" One of my students who loves studying quantum mechanics then claimed that 1. There is strong evidence of the existence of a soul and 2. Nothing exists until it is observed.

Skeptical as I am, for his first point I inquired about the research he cited in support of the existence of a soul. He claimed that a doctor weighed dying patients directly before and directly after death, and found that there was a substantial difference in weight. I then asked if the doctor accounted for extraneous variables such as expulsion of gases, and my student nodded vigorously. Still skeptical, I decided to look up the research at a later time (which would be now).

The doctor did account for extraneous variables (gases in the lungs and bodily fluids), but probably not enough of them. His sample size was extremely small, especially due to the fact that with several of his patients the equipment which he was using had malfunctioned. It's an interesting hypothesis, no doubt, but the evidence seems a bit shaky to me.

Now onto his second point. Interestingly enough, the first article on the topic that I looked up mentioned that this phenomenon (referred to as quantum weirdness) might point to the existence of a soul. Ironically, my student didn't specifically cite quantum weirdness as further support for the soul theory--but I digress.

Thankfully, for this point I was able to find further research that was a little more robust. So robust, in fact, that it made my head hurt a little while I read it (yay for learning!) I will try to pick apart at the jargon as best I can here. The best evidence of this observation-dependent existence is the behavior of a photon (or light wave/particle) after it has been split by a beam splitter and allowed to travel for several meters. If one attempts to make a measurement of "path A" and "path B" simultaneously, one of the measurements will interfere with the other. That is, the single photon is almost behaving as if it is still "together" upon observation of either section. According to the physicists who conducted this research, this would be true for particles even if the pathways were light years apart.

In my somewhat educated opinion, this could point to the existence of something with a soul-like quality. Perhaps not in the traditional or religious sense, but in the sense that perhaps parts of us exists in different dimensions (if I remember correctly, space and time exist as one, and as one travels further and further into space, this becomes warped. Objects with a crapton of gravity, or any gravity for that matter, also warp space-time). At this point though, this is just another hypothesis.

R-e-s-p-e-c-t

    

Some of the comments I have received from family members after "coming out" as nonreligious have been less than kind, attacking my intelligence and essentially asking me why I feel the need to question things so much. I was even "tagged" in one of those "be like Bob" memes, but instead of Bob it was Peter asking me to "be smart and follow Jesus."

Yeah.

However, I don't want to focus completely on the negative comments I received. One of my family members actually commended me for questioning things--and she is a Christian! She believes that God literally created the earth in six days and that the Big Bang Theory is flawed. She says she has the science to back these claims up--and she wants to discuss these things with me, the both of us being rational adults. I must say this is refreshing, and I am looking forward to our discussions! 

   

Obligatory Valentine's Day Post

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I just want to give a shoutout to this man right here.

This is my sweet fiancé who took me to see Deadpool today. (Highly reccomend it by the way). Not only does he know not to buy me flowers or chocolate because I find both kind of lame (okay, I love chocolate but I've cut out added sugar so I'm pretending it's lame) but he took me to see the movie despite the fact that he's pretty damn sick. Now I have tucked him in and am currently making him some chicken noodle soup. We both haven't been at our best today: I worked a 9-5 waitressing at the nursing home and am currently feeling the effects of exhaustion and PMS. But we're both taking care of each other the best we can today, nothing fancy needed. And I'd like to think that this sort of thing is what makes our relationship strong.

Thank you for reading this post, and I commend you for being able to stomach this sappiness if you've made it this far.

Racism and Sexism and Class Bias, Oh My!

I had a recent conversation via the internet with an old acquaintance from high school. She had posted this article entitled "White People: Shut Up About Beyonce." Before I go any further, let me make this clear: I know that there are clear racial differences in terms of socioeconomic status in the United States, and I know that African Americans face cruelty and bias on a daily basis even now. And I know that personally, I have never experienced this specific type of cruelty or bias. Anyone who acts like these problems do not exist today needs to face reality, pure and simple. I feel the same about sexism and the objectification of women.

I may not have firsthand experience as far as what African Americans face daily, but I do know what sexism and objectification feel like, quite literally. At twelve years of age I was molested, and in my senior year of high school I was raped by someone who, at the time, was my boyfriend. I have felt so much hatred towards the perpetrators of these crimes. I will admit, I hated men in general for a long time. In the end, though, this hatred solved nothing. It festered and festered and only made me feel worse. After I began to realize this, I resolved to fight sexism on both ends of the spectrum--anyone, male or female, can contribute to the objectification of women. Hating one group specifically doesn't help change things. It's like a cancer, if the malignant cells have metastasized and spread to different parts of the body, attacking just the colon won't help (especially if the cancer isn't in the colon in the first place).

I can't speak to what Beyonce feels or what she hopes to accomplish by alluding to the Black Panthers in her performance. I do like what the Black Panthers sought to accomplish at their conception. But I do not like what I see of the violence I read about while researching them as well. In the end, I do not know what parts of the stories of their violence are true and what parts are false or exaggerated. As for the performance itself? I am on the fence between "her clothing and performance were empowering and she carries herself and her sexuality with confidence and self-assurance" and "the clothing and dancing objectify her and by extension all women, what about young girls watching this, how will it affect them?" I am teetering towards the latter.

All of these "white person" opinions aside, (I'm actually Native American and Irish, but the Irish skin tone won in the battle of genes) let me get back to my friend and our internet debate. She argued that African-American hatred of "white people" is justified. I disagree: "white people" as a whole are not the problem. People who act like racism no longer exists are the problem. People who are racist to begin with are the problem. People who turn a blind eye to the problems of others are the problem. So "white people," don't shut up about Beyonce. Love her? Tell everyone! Disagree with her style/performance/way of going about things? Let us know! Just make sure you have respect and empathy, and educate yourself on the way things are for people of color here in the United States.

Outside the Windy City

I went for a stroll in the strangest of places,

Far from the comfort of familiar faces,

And in that time I was saddened to find

The fear which lingered there was blind.

Crumbling stone, abandoned home,

Protects a sort of evil mind.

To whom does this mind belong?

I mused,

For truly the owner had abused

The power unto them bestowed

By the many fearful souls they sold.

Clever disguise, city’s demise

Fills the owner’s house with gold.

The owner’s house is avarice,

Its true intentions easy to miss,

For few there take the time to look twice

At actions made to lure and entice.

            Monstrous tower, ultimate power,

            Becomes the city’s greatest vice.

This strangest of places I was in,

Portrayed as a hellhole, hotbed of sin,

Ridden with danger and chaos, all know

Hid a sort of beauty, a life it held long ago.

            Starry sky, wistful sigh,

            Please tell me that new life will grow.

Do You Even Vape?

The other day, one of my students asked me why they aren't allowed to "vape" on campus. They said that there was really no reason to prohibit the act, since "vaping" is a healthy alternative to smoking. Limited as my knowledge is on the dangers-- or lack thereof-- of e-cigarettes, I told her I had done a little research and found that e-cigarettes contain formaldehyde (a carcinogen) among some other nasty chemicals, but I wasn't sure of the truth of these claims or even if the chemicals present in e-cigs were present at truly toxic levels. If anything, I believe we need to be wary of potential dangers this new fad may present--since research on the topic is spotty and in its infancy, I will attempt to analyze what I have found to the best of my ability.

According to Vape Ranks, Blu e-cigs® (the most popular e-cig brand as far as I can tell) started out as an independent company until they were snatched up by Lorillard (a tobacco company) in 2012. In 2014, Forbes stated that Lorillard merged with another major tobacco company which had also acquired smaller tobacco companies, and so the Blu® brand fell under this new merged company (yay monopolies!) And according to the company's site itself, Blu e-cigs® were the brainchild of an Australian entrepreneur in 2009. It could be reasonably asserted that these tobacco companies were itching to get their hands on the brand because it was taking away from their profits. This is important in my opinion because if the brand had originally been the brainchild of the tobacco companies, I feel there would have been more incentive for them to falsely market the brand as a "healthy alternative" to cigarettes, given that it is now common knowledge that normal cigarettes cause a multitude of health issues. However, perhaps the increase in marketing of the e-cigarettes as "healthy" followed the tobacco companies' acquisition of the brand--but I digress.

Peer-reviewed articles on the topic are few and far between, but the ones I have seen (like this one), seem to suggest that e-cigs pose a threat when the "vapor" is consumed in higher than normal quantities. The research does not appear to touch on the effect that chemicals other than nicotine in the e-cigs may have on cells. Which leads me to ask, what exactly do e-cigs contain? Word on "the street" suggests that the components are simply nicotine and water vapor. However, according to cancer.net they contain nicotine as well as "other chemicals" which may be harmful--and they are not FDA-approved.

When I see my student again, I will tell her to be wary of the risks that e-cigs may pose. And for any of you good folks reading this, if you do choose to vape please do so sparingly.

Glowing Beaches

This is so cool!

Glowing Beaches

God's Not Dead, Because He is a Product of the Imagination

I came across this quote from the movie "God's Not Dead" on my Facebook news feed earlier. For those of you who have not had the distinct pleasure of viewing this film, I will let you know that it is full of inaccuracies and portrayals of "non-Christians" (atheists included) as godless solely because something is "missing from their life." The atheist is full of angst and anger towards a god that just screwed his life up. Which brings up an interesting point, given that this quote is attributed to that movie--the atheist in the film had a life "full of trouble," but still did not turn towards god--though some people of faith would simply attribute that to the atheist's pride and love for his own ways and knowledge (those damn atheists, I know).

My main issue with this quote, though, is this: if this quote is accurate, why do so many people of faith attribute their own good fortune to God? According to this, it could very well be the devil they are praying to! And he is doing good things in their lives to pull them away from God!

Of course, it could very well be a product of complete randomness plus one's own actions and work in the chaos of this universe we are fortunate to be a part of and experience. But then again, this is simply the opinion of an angsty, godless humanist.

The Night School Life

Being a teacher in a night school program ensures that you will meet some interesting characters. My students come from a variety of different backgrounds and have had a wide range of life experiences. I had one student tell me that gun violence does not phase them any more because they have witnessed it so much firsthand. I have students who have experienced racism and bias all of their lives, so it comes as no real surprise that these young adults struggle with empathy because few have shown this humanistic trait to them firsthand. Many of them know only the violence, anger, and selfishness of others. Couple this with a program that oftentimes assumes that they are only troublemakers and truants from the outset, and you have a less than ideal situation on your hands.

Oftentimes I feel a war within me in my classroom. I don't want to send my students out for defiance and disrespect because I want to try to explain to them that they need to consider the thoughts and feelings of other students as well as my thoughts and feelings. I want them to know that I truly care about their education and actually use some of my resources to make sure that they have books and quality learning materials. At the same time, I can only lecture so much without sacrificing the needs of students who are utilizing their skills of empathy and who truly do want to use that time to learn.

On the flip side, there are those who treat many of the students with derision and disrespect. Whenever there is an after-school meeting, night school is cancelled. Why? Because others don't like the "night school kids" being there. When I come in to the school every Tuesday and Thursday, the teacher whose classroom I "borrow" is usually there finishing up her grading for the day. One evening I came in and she was searching frantically for some object--as she described it to me, she said "...I'm not saying it was a night school student, but..." Ironically, she ended up finding it because she had misplaced it.

These young adults are good people. They may act with rudeness and defiance at times--and cause my hair to gray prematurely--but in the end they are good people. I had a professor in college who explained the behavior of young adults who come into contact with the juvenile justice system in a very simple but profound way: he knocked on the board in the front of the classroom. He then explained that the juvenile's behavior could be likened to the sound waves emanating from the knock. The "knock," he explained, could be likened to events in the juvenile's life which had caused the "noise." These young adults have stories that could fill an entire library's worth of books. Unfortunately, few care to take the time to read these days.

Sex Ed. in Walmart

I recently went to Walmart to pick up some necessities. The next day would be my fiance and I's anniversary and I wanted to get something special, so I made my way over to the "pharmacy" section in search of some his & hers products for us to have fun with in conjunction with our preferred method of contraception.

As I perused these items, a group of teenage girls stood huddled at the other side of the wide aisle. They seemed almost frightened, and kept shushing each other. I paid them little attention until one called out to me in a timid voice: "Hey! What condoms should I get? Should I get the thin ones?" I turned, smiled, and said "No, I wouldn't get those. Try to avoid ones with spermicide too. They can irritate you and actually make it easier for the condom to break." She then asked, "What's spermicide?" I felt a pang of sadness at the girl's ignorance, and explained to her what it is. She then selected the box of condoms that she wanted, and I told her to make sure that her "dude" knew how to put them on correctly. She then thanked me and walked off with her friends.

Looking back, I wish I had asked her to make sure to--if she could--get on birth control as well. I wish I had told her to make sure that she wasn't feeling pressured into having sex with her "dude" and that they both consented. Looking back, I wish I had asked why this "dude" wasn't with her at the time to help and support her while she was buying these supplies. There are so many things I could have said that I didn't...but I think this conversation that I had, in the middle of Walmart, speaks to a much more pervasive problem here in the United States.

It is obvious that this girl was--if not misinformed on the subject of sex and contraception--grossly uninformed. Our society has done, and is doing, a tremendous disservice to our youth by not educating them completely on the physical, mental, and emotional aspects of safe sex and relationships. Instead, we treat the subject of sex as taboo and leave the youth to fend for themselves in an era rife with misinformation and rumor. We leave the educating to random 23-year old strangers in Walmart.

Why I'm a Secular Humanist

I’ve been posting a whole lot of atheist/secular humanist images/ideas to facebook.

I’m not doing this to make Christians or people of faith angry, nor am I doing it to shame my family 
or put them down for what they believe. What’s happened here is like a slow drip from a faucet, 
and I finally had the courage and confidence to turn on the sink full blast. Allow me to explain this comparison. Ever since I was a young child, I had a very inquisitive mind. I wanted to know as much 
as I could about everything. According to my parents, I taught myself sign language (though I have no recollection of this). I remember going outside to collect tiny “seashells” by the tree in our

front yard and analyzing them under my microscope to see what was in/around them. I remember 

asking “why?” almost constantly 

when my parents gave me an idea or a decision that they had made.

I remember our family doing Bible studies a great deal. When I was very young, I (and several members of our church) were very proud of the fact that I had read my entire Beginner’s 

Bible (a Bible for children which, as you might expect, leaves out a lot of “adult” information common in the Bible). I remember one day when my family went out to eat and as we all 

got out of the car, I had a “blank” moment and my family vanished. (I would later realize that 

this was an absence seizure, and my family hadn’t vanished, I had simply not been aware of 

them walking into the restaurant). In this moment I panicked, believing that the Rapture had 

just befallen my family and I had been left behind for not being faithful enough to God. 

Delusions like these would continue throughout my life and become more and more pervasive.

I would listen for trumpet sounds and be vigilant for any signs of the impending apocalypse.

My family and friends may not have seen it, but I was feeling a tremendous amount of anxiety constantly.

One Bible study in particular sticks out in my mind. Leviticus 24:23. In this verse, God 

commands Moses, who then commands his followers, to stone a blasphemer. Murder him. 

*Drip. Drip.* I implored my parents to tell me why a merciful god would command such a 

thing. The answer? Something along the lines of, “God is God, and we cannot understand His

ways or His plan.” *Drip. Drip. Splash.* I cried for the blasphemer. He is long gone, but my 

heart ached for a man who simply had different beliefs.

Fast forward a bit to Christ in Youth, a conference aimed at bringing preteens/teens to Jesus

and providing a place for existing teen believers to congregate. Before I go any further I would

like to say this--I know I have friends here who loved CIY and still do. I sincerely apologize 

for this, I know how much you treasured this time. I did too, for the friendships it 

strengthened.

I remember our youth leader acting with revulsion toward a particularly 

flamboyant, presumably homosexual male. This made me angry, so I told the youth leader 

what I felt about how he had acted. *Splash. Splash. SPLASH.* I remember another youth

leader not asking, but COMMANDING us to go pray for a random group of women. This made

me uncomfortable. I have social anxiety as it is. I told him that I didn’t feel right doing this 

but he insisted that god wanted us to. So we did. I remember the sneers of derision from the women as I awkwardly stumbled in prayer. Looking back, it was wrong of them to act so 

rudely. Were I in their stead at this time, I would have probably felt pity, not derision. But I digress. *SPLASH. SPLASH. Trickle.*

I could point out other instances similar to these, but that would take far too long and I’m 

not sure anyone here will have read this far in the first place. My point in describing these situations is that I have always had doubt about this faith. Those of you who believe in the Christian God may believe that my newfound worldview is the result of the devil’s temptation, 

but unless my thought process itself is the devil I can assure you that this is not the case. The reason I am being so vocal about this now is that I never truly felt that I could be vocal about it before. I want to proclaim what I think and feel just as those with other beliefs want to

proclaim what they think and feel. I feel all at once a huge burden lifted off my shoulders and

a heavy heart for family members who truly believe I am going to a place of eternal torture.

But I would like to ask this: if God does exist and has offered this ultimatum--accept and

worship me or be damned for eternity--is he really a God worthy of reverence in the first place?